All for the sake of 9p

A teen boarded today and asked for his destination. The fare was £2.80. He gave me a load of coins and said "There you are, mate, it's all there."

I trust no one when they do this, so put it on my cash tray top and counted it out. The total was £2.71. He was 9p short.

If he'd boarded and said: "I'm really sorry but I've just counted my money and all I've got is £2.71 for a teen single to X, could you let me off?" I may well have done, and manually issued him a £2.71 ticket. I would not have given him a ticket for £2.80 though as I would then personally be responsible for the 9p and I am not employed to pay passengers' bus fares.

So, in my eyes, he was deliberately trying to board without the correct fare by making out the money was exact when it was nothing of the sort. I told him he couldn't travel unless he had £2.80. He then asked how far £2.71 would take him because - guess what - he had no more money on him. I told him which village he could travel to and he went for that. He even had 11p change as that fare was £2.60. Bargain.

Now, when we got to that village, do you think he rang the bell and alighted?

Did he bollocks.

I didn't shout out the village name, I left my cab and shot upstairs to get him. One day I'll possibly be stabbed for acting like this, but until then, I have behaviour on my bus the way I expect it to be. If you saw me face-to-face you also wouldn't argue with me, let's just put it that way. He was 'lead' off the bus exclaiming that it was cold outside. Though no sooner he he got off the bus he lit up a cigarette. "Dam!" I thought, "I should have charged him adult fare!"

Common Sense Solution: Always count money presented to you in this way. Mostly the amount is correct. Sometimes there's a little more. A bus driver should never be expected to foot the partial cost of a passenger's ticket in this way. The driver needs to know what the score is and many will allow a 9p discrepancy to go. Treating a bus driver like a mug or simply lying to him, will result in this way.

The Jobsworth Passenger

So, a number of bus drivers are regarded as jobsworths when they do not do what the passenger wants them to do. I can see it from both sides and don't always side with a colleague when what the passenger is asking is not in anyway dangerous, unsafe or breaking any laws, guidelines or local agreements.

Today, I had a 'jobsworth' passenger. That's right! Rather impressive.

We have a bus stop near a school. The bus stop never used to exist but a recent change to the way the school wants its school buses to operate has meant that the school stop has been moved to the current location. A bus stop flag has been attached to a lamp post to show that buses stop here. Additionally, other buses that pass this location on their normal services during the day stop here, upon request. It would seem a little silly to tell them to ignore the stop.

In the opposite direction things are different. There is no bus stop opposite as school services operate a one-way loop. Service buses during the day pass in the opposite direction, though, and we have been told not to stop opposite the bus stop sign as a very large road exit is located her and parked cars either side of that. The bus stop sign opposite does not have 'either side' or 'bus stop opposite too' on it.

Today, a woman rang the bell to get off opposite this stop. I did what I've done since the stop has been in use and rightly assumed she wanted the next actual stop in this direction. As I passed the bus stop flag opposite the lady said "Can you stop here please?" I played partially deaf and waited a few seconds before asking "Sorry?" by which time we were fast approaching the next, actual bus stop. This technique doesn't show ignorance, just that I'm concentrating on my driving, like a good bus driver.

"You should have stopped there." she said.

"There's no bus stop there, just one opposite. And that's only there because we drop school kids off there in the mornings" I said.

"It's all changed now though!" the woman replied.

'It's all changed now though'? What the fuck was she banging on about. What has changed? Was she somehow telepathic and aware of a pending change to our stopping pattern that even our boss hadn't come up with yet? Had there actually been a notice informing us to drop off in between parked cars of the entrance to a road junction that I'd missed?

Of course not, she was just being thick.

As a meaningless gesture of goodwill I dropped her of 5 feet before the next bus stop and told her the (above) reasons why that is not an either side bus stop.

Her response? "Oh, I think you find that it is."

Common Sense Solution: The customer is NOT always right. Any company with this ethos nowadays is on a slippery slope. There had NOT been any alteration to our stopping pattern here, I checked. Although not illegal, it is very dangerous to drop passengers off in between parked cars and blocking a road junction to drop passengers off carries a £60 fine if the policeman watching you is in a bad mood. A driver may have dropped her off here before and thought nothing of it. This is possibly what caused today's exchange. Passengers will immediately believe that this dangerous or fine-worthy act is the correct procedure and they then equip themselves with this information, wielding it out as fact when it is absolutely nothing of the sort. Stay firm, toe the party line and be prepared to refuse them their request. Consistency is, as I've said before, key.

Wrong Way

Can you believe someone of my expertise, knowledge and all-round 'greatness' went the wrong way the other day? Deary me. I guess it happens to the best of us.

There was an ambulance following me so I felt obliged to get out of its way and I saw a bus stop ahead with a lay-by that would get me off the main carriageway, so I took it. Only trouble was I should have turned right immediately beforehand and overshot the turning.

Arse!

And can you believe the ruddy ambulance actually turned right down the road I should have? While my actions had got me out of its way, the passengers never actually saw what I'm sure some of them thought was a fictional ambulance. I told them what the situation was and found a road to reverse into further up the road and made the slight delay to the timetable up, so everything was OK in the end.

Common Sense Solution: I suppose as much as we motorists like to get out of the way of an emergency vehicle attending a 999 call, sometimes you can really fuck yourself up. In London, there have been examples of people getting fixed penalty notices for moving ahead of a white line at traffic lights and into a yellow hash box so that an ambulance can get past them. The FPNs haven't been rescinded either. "The law is very clear about occupying a yellow box". Well I hope that a family member of the person who deals with these matters isn't the one foaming at the mouth at the bottom of the stairs that the ambulance is trying to get to.

Blind to Indicators

With a title like today's you'd perhaps think that it will be a rant about other road users not using their indicators. Actually, it's not. It is a humerous observation about passengers hailing a bus.

Don't get me wrong, hailing a bus is NEVER a bad thing - even if you're stood at a bus stop where only 1 bus calls and there are 30 of you stood there - it's just sometimes passengers cannot correlate the gesture of outstretching their arm and what to do with it after that.

What generally happens is that a driver will see a person shove their arm out long before the bus pulls up at the stop. I generally indicate left to show the passenger that I'm aware of their hand gesture and that I will be pulling over. But the majority of people do not put their hand away until the bus is about to hit it.

You'd have thought that, once it was clear the bus was pulling over (the bus indicator is clearly flashing) the passenger would put their arm down, safe in the knowledge that the bus was pulling over. They don't.

I refuse to believe that this is because drivers have driven straight past. This doesn't happen anywhere nearly as often as people would have you believe - especially when the bus driver has indicated to pull over.

Common Sense Solution: I don't think there is the need for one as the passenger is doing the right thing but hailing a bus.

Impatience

An old man boarded today, pushing a buggy. He asked for his stop and said he had a pass and that he would get it out in a minute. I dutifully keyed in the details and awaited his pass to be shown before it hit the 'issue' button. He just stood there, motionless.

Well I'm all for awkward silences. He eventually gave in. He asked for his destination again. I said "Do you have your bus pass handy now?"

"Bloody hell, I said I'd get you it in a minute!"

"All I need to do is see the expiry date," I said, choosing to omit "so I can make sure you're not a robbing git. Often OAPs from other parts of the Kingdom try and use their passes here and it is not allowed. A little silly I know, but them's the rules!

"For goodness sake!" the old man exclaimed, rummaging in his pocket for his bus pass, which he brought out within 5 seconds.

"Satisfied?"

"Yes, thank you. If I could ask you to have it ready every time you board, it will help speed up the service!" I ended with. I couldn't help it.

He didn't say anything other than a tut and a shake of the head.

One - nil.

Common Sense Solution: Clearly there was always going to be an exchange of words here, unless the driver was prepared to issue the guy a free ticket without first seeing his pass. The old git reached for his pass within 5 seconds, so what prevented him from doing so while in the queue to board. I was polite throughout and it was all very clinical. The old guy had absolutely no grounds on which to complain.

Hassle

We've not had a fare increase (or 'revision') but some of the fare stages have changed, which has resulted in some passengers now paying more from today (I know, nothing like a mid-week change to piss everyone off!) compared to less than 12 hours ago.

Some fares have increased by 20p single and 30p return. If a passenger asks for stop X today, we charge him to stop Y as stop X is no longer a fare stage. The fare to stop Y has remained constant, though as passengers for stop X never wanted stop Y they really couldn't give a fuck.

I'm directing all complaints to the depot, asking passengers to phone rather than write, email or tweet (twat?). Not all passengers are dick heads. Around 2% are likely to spot what the company is doing and won't be happy. If they all phoned up, very little work would get done back at base.

Common Sense Solution: Firstly, you should always charge the correct fare, no matter how outraged the passenger is likely to be. Consistency is key, as ever. Any problems, direct them to the depot or even head office. Or both. Provided you've got an assault screen you could add something like: "Well we have to pay for our pay rise some how!" though you really need to be sure you don't say this to a crow bar-wielding black lad! 

HAIL (and ride)

So I was driving my favourite shift on Saturday. It's a rural duty and I'm out in the sticks on my own, with my meal break out there and the gap in service covered by another driver who does 1 round trip as part of his own shift. It is nice out here. People are much more pleasant and polite, though this is not our bread-and-butter work, unfortunately. We ply our trade in "shit-kicker" territory, as one of my friends would say.

But although people are much nicer out here, they're still thick.

I was travelling along a road with houses on the left and the speed limit is 40mph. I was travelling at 40mph and noticed a number of pedestrians on the path to the left, between my and the houses. Some were walking and some were conversing while stationary. Suddenly, one of these stationary conversers shoved their hand out to get me to stop. Instinctively I indicated to pull over and stopped.

I'd gone past them by about a bus length. There was no bus stop in this area, it is technically hail-and-ride - the term that fills bus drivers with dread as passengers simply cannot be trusted to stand in a safe location or to simply HAIL the bus.

All four of the stationary conversers headed towards the front of my bus. They all seemed pleasant enough, so I thought I'd start in the same manner:

"I don't suppose next time you could put your hand out a little earlier, could you?"

"We didn't think we needed to."

"You looked like you were just chatting or waiting to cross the road."

"No. We wanted to catch you. We even phoned the depot and they said it was hail and ride."

"Yes it is. But you need to put your arm out so that I know!"

"Oh right, we just thought you'd stop."

This group had done the right thing. They'd contacted my depot before travelling. They'd been correctly told that where they wanted to board has no fixed bus stops and so we employ hail and ride. Clearly no further discussion had taken place. These people had no idea what hail and ride meant. They didn't seem thick or particularly under-class. I issued them their tickets and they sat down.

As I drove on, I couldn't help thinking to myself what they must have thought when the depot told them it was hail and ride. All I could imagine is that they assumed it meant the bus driver would stop for anyone who was motionless on the path. If that was the case, I'd be stopping everywhere.

Common Sense Solution: Make hail-and-ride sections of route ILLEGAL. Local authorities should refuse to accept registration documents for tendered services that have hail and ride sections. Local authorities are equally at fault as many are responsible for bus stop infrastructure in their area and can't be arsed to splash out a few quid for bus stop flags and timetable cases. You don't have this attitude in the railways. Nor do you have this attitude in the large urban areas. That's where the money is so all parties actually give a toss.

2p short

Sometimes a passenger does not have sufficient money on him to pay his fare. Our contract of employment clearly states that on these occasions he may not travel. There are no exceptions, not even for children. It is the responsibility for the minor's parent to ensure they have sufficient money to pay the bus driver. Not my words, but the words of my company. We are told to waive the above ruling on the last bus of the day and if the minor shows clear signs of distress.

One of the drivers at work was recently disciplined for not allowing a passenger to board when he was 2p short. A stinking letter has been written by the teen's disgruntled mother. He was summonsed to appear with representation before one of the managers. He reported that he was exonerated of all blame when it was pointed out that he followed procedure to-the-letter. It was not the last bus of the day and the college student showed no sign of distress.

What annoyed him and what made me put finger to keyboard is the comment put to him by the manager. He was told that he should have just let him off the 2p. This would have solved the issue. While this is clearly accurate, the driver would then have been 2p short in his takings and would have been stopped the 2p from his wages. The money is immaterial. The principle is everything. Giving a free ride and telling the student to keep all of his (insufficient) money is even more serious - gross misconduct, for which dismissal is likely.

At no point was the option of overriding the ticket machine mentioned. A specific key sequence enables the driver to key in the exact amount of money tendered and this is printed on the ticket. I've used this on many occasions. I've also made it known to one of the supervisors that I've done this as £1.68 is better than zero if the passenger is turned away for being 2p short of his £1.70 fare.

I'm going to continue doing it. This way, everyone is happy. Probably. The passenger travels and, more importantly, is issued with a ticket. The company also receives more money than it would if its own procedure was followed. My worry, though, is that I will still be severely disciplined for it. I think I should raise this officially and get written advice on a number of scenarios I shall put to them.

Sadly, this is an issue than no one at work gives a fuck about until it blows up in everyone's face. Then they care a lot and all hell can be let loose.

Common Sense Solution: If a passenger is 10p short of his fare it is surely better to issue a ticket for that amount and to allow travel than to turn the passenger away, receiving no money. If the passenger becomes a serial offender, this is another matter. But in most cases, the passenger is genuine. Large bus companies have very strict rules about their takings while in their drivers' hands yet refuse to offer guidance and advice on specific scenarios. If this issue is potentially so serious, they need to get real and issue unequivicable guidance that covers all situations.

Diversion

Today I made the unilateral decision to deviate from my prescribed bus route owing to a significant traffic jam due to temporary roads works. My diversion route would see me omit no bus stop and so no one would be inconvenienced in any way. Moreover, my actions would help ensure my passengers got to their destinations faster than would otherwise be the case.

I could have told everyone as they boarded that I would be making a slight detour en route, or even shouted it out as I was about to turn off, but I'm not really like that. The former would have seen scores of needless questions asked as I told each passenger and the latter is just oafish. I can't stand drivers who shout out loud. Also, those upstairs at the back won't hear and there'll be others who detect the driver shout something but won't have caught what it was exactly, so confusion is caused.

No sooner had I turned when I heard mutterings from behind. One elderly chap was getting very distressed. I was expecting comments, but not a grown man in tears, which was the ultimate outcome. A woman ventured forward and asked me if I knew I was going the wrong way.

"Oh my god! So I am. We're lost, what the fuck should I do?" I would love to have said. As it was I managed a more subtle: "Actually, I'm going the right way if you want to stand any chance of getting home on time".

It was a little sharp, but struck the balance well. Did she honestly think I had no idea what I was doing? Yes, occasionally a bus driver can make a wrong turn, but he or she will soon realise and 'about turn'. I was fundamentally heading in the right direction still, parallel to the road where the hold up was.

I'm surprised the silly old sod in tears knew where we were as he always seems a little ga-ga to me whenever he travels.

Anyway, 2 minutes behind schedule, I regained my normal route and normality ensued. Tissues were put away and the sobbing ended.

Common Sense Solution: Everyone is different is a phrase often banded about our depot. Aint that the case! A small detour on an urban bus route is nothing out of the ordinary. A guy in his 80s bursting into tears because he thinks he's being abducted is. 

How much?

Some people with a free bus pass are not allowed to use them before 0930 on weekdays, as this is the basic legislation, that was introduced in 2007. One old lady boarded my bus this morning at 9am and asked to go to a town 12 miles away. She didn't produce a pass and argue the toss about how badly done to she is that she has to pay. Instead she put a £2 coin on the cash top. The fare was £2.90.

She was so annoyed at how extortionate the fare was, I thought she was going to smack me, at one point. She went absolutely mental.

£2.90 for 12 miles equates to 24p per mile. I'd like to see anyone who uses a car to beat that, when all costs are considered. This woman wasn't known to me, so I suspect she doesn't often have to make this journey, if at all.

Her perception was that £2 was 'about right' for the 12 miles. She did ask if £2.90 was the return fare. Sadly not, that is a fair amount more. She was probably returning for free, after 0930, legitimately using her bus pass.

Anyway, I got the extra 90p out of her and all was well... for me. She was absolutely sickened.

Common Sense Solution: People rate value for money differently to others. Bus fares are no different. 12 miles on a train would cost double the fare I was requesting her to tender. Would she have caused a scene there? 24p per mile may not offer 'exceptional' value for money, but compared to a taxi (I reckon you're looking at £20) or the actual cost of using a car for that specific journey (building in tax, insurance, MOT, depreciation, fuel) the saving is enormous. Would this woman have caused the scene she did had the free bus pass scheme not have been introduced? I suspect not.

The Ginger Thug & the Retard

College kids make me smile. Usually it's a wry smile, often followed by a shake of the head. Some are so thick it is unreal. As they unwittingly impersonate sloths, walking to the bus stop with their knuckles scraping the ground, I always think: "There people are expected to procreate; to bring new life into the world; to pretend Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy exist; to be able to perform simple accountancy and to provide for themselves and their family.

There's a ginger lad who fits the above bill very well and he occasionally catches one of our buses to the nearby college. I remember one of our drivers reporting that this arse hole spat at him a couple of years ago. You don't forget things like that - well I know I don't. I've never had problems with him, but I don't see him that much.

Anyway, he was stood at the wrong bus stop today and he spotted me at the last minute and came scraping across the road, assuming I knew he wanted to catch my bus. I did toy with the idea of simply ignoring him, but then I am in the business of carrying people. On he got and said "Return, yeah". So I gave him an adult return to the college. He gave me a £10 note. As I was giving him his change he said "£3.40? It's usually £3." The difference in fare is that one is for an under-18 and the other 18+.

If you look 18+ but are only 16 or 17, it would be a good idea to ask for an under-18 ticket, especially when you know the deal as you always travel with this particular bus company. We drivers are supposed to be psychic. We're told to always issue the adult fare unless the youth says otherwise. Asking everyone that gets on if they're under 18 is not my job, nor does it help keep the buses on time. When I told him that £3.40 was the fare, he replied with:

"Is that an under-18 fare?"

"No."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because you didn't ask for one."

He really was that thick. Often we can cancel the ticket and issue a correct one, but very unusually I wasn't prepared to do so and, besides, I reckon he was 18 anyway.

As he sat down I realised that I still had the £10 note he tendered in my hand and hadn't given him a £5 note in his change. He hadn't realised. We drove 10+ miles to the college and during that time I was having a mental discussion as to whether or not I should give him the fiver when he left. Had he not spat at one of my colleagues, I almost certainly would have, despite his manner. There are lots of things I'm not but I am fundamentally trustworthy and honest.

Anyway, as he got off her said really quietly: "Have you got my fiver?" He knew all along but didn't bother coming up to see me until now. I gave him the money and off he got.

Driving a bus back from the same college this evening, 2 female students boarded. 15 mins into the journey, one came to me and asked if I had a phone as she'd left her BlackBerry on the bench by the bus stop. I gave her my work phone (lots of free minutes). For the next 20 minutes she made numerous calls to people. She even asked me to return to the bus stop some miles away, so that she could see if her phone was still there.

When I said, regretfully, that I wasn't turning the bus round, she seemed very shocked indeed.

She was as thick as pig shit. He voice was monotone. She was clearly under-developed and in many ways I'm glad I was unable to hear her inane phone conversations to whoever it was she contacted.

But after she'd given me the work phone back and left the bus, I went through the call log to make sure she'd not been ringing any 0908 numbers. The dozy fucking cow had called 911 and 999.

Can you believe that? Emergency Services were called as she left her phone at a frigging bus stop. What planet was she on? How did this constitute an emergency? It was clearly one in her stupid little mind, but not in anyone else's. It is thought processes like this that illustrate beautifully what is wrong with society today.

This student was so self-centred that the loss of her phone meant far more to her than it should have done. In her mind, it was akin to finding her mother's lifeless body at the foot of the stairs. I was rather concerned I'd get into trouble as - don't forget - she'd called 911 and 999 from my work phone.

It was also telling that she'd called 911 before 999 - she clearly watches too many Amercian TV programmes.

A friend of mine answers 999 calls elsewhere in the country and she told me that too many calls to 999 can result in your phone being 'killed'.

Common Sense Solution: Sadly, there is little a lowly bus driver can do to reverse the paralysis that is evident in these two cases. Perhaps the best thing I can do is to try and remember that, although these examples are more representative than you'd think, there are others out there who are normal and well-adjusted.

Just Desserts

We bus drivers can, occasionally, get our own back on certain passengers who have caused us grief over the past few weeks/months/years. They're tiny victories but victories nonetheless.

Today I got one over on a particularly miserable, rude and ignorant OAP. It was pissing down with rain in a Force 8 gale and she asked me to go slightly past the bus stop and drop her outside her house. I declined the 'offer'.

"Well that's funny, all the other drivers reckon to when it's raining!"

Not me, flower. Perhaps if you said 'thank you' occasionally when leaving my bus or greeted me with a smile from time to time, I'd be more obliging. As it is, you don't so I'm not.

Naturally I kept these thoughts to myself, but took great delight in seeing her become a drowned rat within seconds.

I know some of my colleagues wouldn't do it for anyone, so to suggest everyone else did it is rather disingenuous to say the least.

Common Sense Solution: Officially, bus companies would rather their drivers not 'ad lib' as it were, and stick rigidly to the stops. If one OAP sees this, you can be sure another on board will want the same treatment. Also, the first OAP could come to expect this 'personal' touch, which delays the service somewhat. The woman in today's tale of woe would have possibly expected me to drop her outside her door when it was a bit chilly outside next. As I've oft-lamented, CONSISTENCY is the order of the day.

Third Time Lucky

We operate a college days-only service from a large village miles away from our traditional operating area, to a college within it. This large village is only served once by my company, with this solitary journey to coincide with college opening and closing times. Consequently, we come across people who have never travelled on our services before.

One such individual tried to board yesterday morning with music playing out loud from one of the pockets in his tracky bottoms. "Can you turn the music off, please?" I said as he asked for his fare.

He obliged and sat downstairs at the back with his possy. I left the village a couple of minutes later and, what a surprise, the music started. I shouted down the bus: "CAN YOU TURN THE MUSIC OFF PLEASE?" and there was immediate silence. Ten minutes later, he got brave again and it started up.

This time I did something he wasn't expecting and left the cab and wandered down the back of the bus. I used a tactic that has worked very successfully before: allege that he has a problem with you, to reinforce that you're the hard-done-to party.

"Do you have a problem with me?" I asked, as he fumbled with his phone to turn the music off.

"I said, do you have a problem with me?"

"Eh?"

"Well I've asked you twice to turn your music off and you've not got the hint, so now I'm telling you to your face to turn it off. What more can I do?"

He mumbled some inaudible bollocks and silence prevailed. To show I'm not a complete bastard, just a slight one, I added: "Plug some headphones in and there won't be a problem."

He needs educating in the ways of my bus company. Nip this anti-socialism in the bud. If you don't, those who get on the bus within our traditional operating area will soon assume music being played out loud is permitted. And then you've got yet another example of deterioration of society taking place.

Common Sense Solution: You have to show these dick heads how it is going to be. You also rely on your colleagues to do the same. Sadly, I know mine aren't as keen on this sort of thing as I am. It would be far easier to enforce if they were.

'NS'

I despair of some passengers, I really do. This tattooed thug sat for over an hour waiting for a bus on Saturday that didn't operate. During the time he was sat he was next to a timetable - fully in date and clear for all to see. He hadn't even bothered to look at it. I was heading in the opposite direction at 0800, when he tagged onto the end of my people.

"Oi mate! When's the next bus to [town A]?"

"You can't catch one from here on a Saturday!" said I

"Course you can, I catch it every day!" he replied

Well obviously he doesn't. He looked like he was going to work on a building site and I've never seen him before. A bus does operate from where he was waiting at 0700 on Mondays to Fridays, but not at any other time. This can be easily identified on the Monday to Saturday timetable as there is 'NS' at the top of the column. Looking at the codes at the foot of the table, 'NS' means 'Not Saturdays'.

Simples.

Clearly too complicated for some. I just cannot fathom why ANYONE would sit for an hour, adjacent to a timetable, and not look at it once. Thick as shit.

I committed gross misconduct and gave him a free ride to somewhere where he could intercept a bus to his destination. He did thank me, I will admit that, and as I drove away with him on board, he stood in the area where the wheelchair goes. One of his friends boarded at the next stop and I heard him communicating with him.

"It's an absolute fucking joke!" he exclaimed. He was reasonably polite to me, but to a friend, he was letting his true feelings be shown.

"Yes it is an absolute fucking joke!" I remember thinking to myself, "How someone can even consider it to be anyone's fault other than their own for waiting for a bus that does not and has not ever operated on a Saturday".

Common Sense Solution: Buses are sometimes the victim of their success. High-frequency services extol the virtues of not needing a timetable and some people extend this to lesser services. This guy had clearly only just started catching the 0700 bus that week and didn't bother to check that there was no alteration on a Saturday morning. The fault was his and his alone. Countless examples of this type must take place up and down the country every day. Drivers just have to deal with it in their own inimitable way.

The Other Driver

This term is uttered almost weekly to bus drivers. It is usually announced by a passenger when they have been told they cannot get their own way. "Well the other driver lets me get off here" or "Well the other driver never has a problem with a £20 at 6am" or "Well the other driver always lets me get on in between stops."

Not dissimilar to rocking horse shit, The Other Driver does not exist.

I had an incident this morning in which The Other Driver managed to issue a ticket that it is impossible to do. A guy boarded in town and wanted to go 15 minutes to a suburb. The fare: £2.90.

"The other driver only charged me £1.90 on Monday," he said.

Oh did he now. We do not do a £1.90 fare and the ticket type this chap wanted cannot be overridden, either. Now, like all of us from time to time, he was simply mistaken, except this guy wasn't willing to accept this: "I think £2.90 is very expensive!" I replied, "Well that's the fare."

"Well how far will £1.90 get me?" About 2 stops within the town centre, was the reply.

The passenger coughed up the extortionate £2.90 and sat down. Calm then ruled supreme.

Common Sense Solution: You need to be firm. Tell the passenger if no such fare exists. Don't give in. Consistency is key. The Other Driver will be sure to get a mention, but remember that he or she is an illusive figure - a figment of their imagination, a justification of their verbal diarrhoea.

Quite Extraordinary!

I pulled up at a bus stop in one of the suburbs yesterday lunch time and had a 'verbal altercation' with a chav over the price of the bus fare. This is nothing new in itself, but the detail was quite extraordinary.

He boarded all agitated and bouncing on his Reebok Classics. He asked for his fare - a day ticket, costing £3.00. I said "Three pounds please". He put two pound coins on the table top. "It's three quid, mate." I said, adding the common touch.

He looked at me, still hopping about, and shook his head. In a deep, croaky, chav-like voice he said: "Yeah mate I know it is. You just said two quid, yeah?"

I said three pounds. The ticket machine said three pounds. The ticket had three pounds printed on it. He's probably bought a day ticket for three pounds on countless occasions like everyone else.

"Well I said three pounds" I said.

"Nah, mate, you said two pounds innit".

Now it could be possible that he mis-heard me. If I knew what a fare was and someone said it was less than that, I'd tender what I was being asked. But if I mis-heard, I'd ask for clarification, not argue the toss.

"Look mate, I'm not fucking stupid, know what ah mean?" He put a load of 20p and 10p coins down and walked off.

As luck should have it, this little lot totalled £1.10, so he had in fact tendered £3.10. I couldn't help shouting back: "There's too much here, don't you want your change?" There was no reply. "I thought you're not stupid."

So after all that he effectively gave me a tip of 10p. I made sure I removed it from the takings so that when I paid in at the end of the day, my money was exactly right.

Common Sense Solution: It's simply a case of manners. Some people have none. They are often high on drugs or alcohol. They do not care for anyone else, other than themselves. They are incapable of moderating their behaviour in different circumstances. I try not to be too pessimistic, but matters have got significantly worse over the years I've been bus driving. There are much bigger questions about society that the government needs to address, though sadly whatever half-hearted measures are taken, will fail as our human and civil rights legislation inadvertently protects these wankers.

Secret Agent

Ah, the exclusive world of espionage. The glamour, the glitz, the girls. From James Bond to the dude in the Milk Tray adverts, who cam honestly say that they haven't at some point in their life wanted to be a spy for MI6 or some other renowned secret service?

Sadly, on the buses, the nearest you get to this is when an OAP boards and shows you their bus pass, entitling them to free travel on account of their age, but they present it in such a way that suggests they do not want anyone else to see they have one.

It happened on a few occasions today. It always makes me smile - similarly when an OAP uses their pass for the first time and they have a massive grin stretching to both sides of their face, but have absolutely no idea how to use it. They just look at you vacuously.

But, back to today, and a woman with a face like some very ropey lava boarded and I initially thought she had some dodgy goods on sale from within her coat. It would appear not. There, from within the depths, was her bus pass.

Now there is only one way to deal with this. The more liberal, piss-drinking, tree huggers of you will say something like: "Leave the poor woman alone; let her board your bus with dignity!" But where's the fun in that?

I always ask to see it properly and if they ask say that I need to view the logo of the issuing authority in the top right-hand corner, so that I knew which button to press. I'll then add something like: "It's a free one, is it?" as hidden in the midst of the darkened shades of mauve makes it difficult to see.

They take their ticket and they sit down.

Common Sense Solution: Everyone should show their bus pass or travel warrant or scholars pass to the driver clearly. From CCTV footage it could look as if I'm giving free bus rides out willy-nilly, which is considered gross misconduct. How would these people fair on our competitor's vehicles, where they have to place their pass against a reader? It is up to the individual to tell people their age, but it is written on the back of their bus pass that they need to show it to the driver and state their destination. I'm just doing my job, guv!

Good old-fashioned PR

Despite my literary outbursts herein, I'm a particularly conscientious person. This is probably why the things that annoy me make such an impact.

Today, a female passenger boarded and asked me a question about her fare prior to me issuing it. She was travelling to Village X and on her return, wanted to get off at Village Y en route. I said that our straightforward day return ticket would not let her do this and that she needed to purchase an all-day, unlimited travel ticket. However, Villages X and Y are not too far apart and neither was more than 10 minutes from where the lady was boarding, so I used the ticket machine to calculate the individual fares.

She would save £0.30 by purchasing an all-day ticket. This she did and although 30p won't break the bank, what she was charged was in line with my company's procedures and was as bespoke as possible for her needs. And she makes the journey a couple of times per week, so knew what to do in future, when catching her first bus of the day.

Sadly, this was not enough for the lorry driver, stationary in traffic, adjacent to me. He was heading in the opposite direction and the location of the stop I was at to his traffic lights meant that my bus was causing a backlog of traffic. My understanding of the situation was that his lights were on green but nothing could move as cars behind were occupying the box junction.

These things happen, but Mr Tachograph thought it worthy to blast his air horn at me. I looked to see what the matter was and saw him gesturing to me so made no response and continued with the transaction at no greater or lesser speed than I'd planned on doing.

OK, I might have gone a bit slower, deliberately.

There's a moral here somewhere, for the lorry driver.

Common Sense Solution: I did it!

Hail 'n' Ride

The term Hail 'n' Ride throws fear and dread into a bus driver's life. With the average IQ of those being conveyed so low, the ambiguity a scheme like this produces is ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off.

Effectively, a bus operator designates certain stretches of route as Hail 'n' Ride because they can't be fagged to cough up for some bus stop signs to attach to lamp posts. They have to registered which sections are Hail 'n' Ride with the Traffic Commissioner with the bus service registration document, but have no obligation to make reference to it in the public timetable. This is a good thing.

One passenger's 'safe' location is not always the driver's. We have a rural route that passes through a number of villages where Hail 'n' Ride is employed. To make matters worse, rather than there be no bus stops at all in the villages, there are some. One village has its eastern half littered with them but none in the west. Another has one in the middle (timing point) but none anywhere else.

The guys I work with do not make things any better. Some drivers are happy to stop a million times in the same bloody hamlet, dropping old ladies off at their front doors. Others, with a sense of punctuality, do not.

And this is when the arguments start. I'm all for making life easy for both passengers and drivers, but Hail 'n' Ride works contrary to this. Passengers simply are not qualified sufficiently to assess whether the location they're stood is safe for a bus to stop. A sad but accurate truth.

If someone is stood on a road junction and flags me down, I pass them, slowly, and pull over a little further up, so that my 40-foot bus is not illegally obstructing the road adjoining from the left. This woman I collected from this location today was most put out at having to walk 35 feet to board. I told her that she needs to stand here in future so that I'm not blocking the junction. Her response?

"I've always got on at the corner!"

No you haven't you two-faced lying cow. I know as I've picked her up here before. I'm sure they do it rather than acknowledge that something a bus driver has said is actually true.

"Can you drop me off at the horses?" is another request often given.

But the main entrance to the equestrian centre is not enough - horse owners want to be dropped off at the actual stable within the complex, each backing onto the passing road. Tough shit. You get dropped off at the main entrance and picked up there afterwards.

Then there are the occasions when the passengers aren't at fault (yes, it does happen). I stopped outside a tiny retail park on Saturday, to drop some OAPs off, and as I pulled off I spotted a collection of people stood four or five bus lengths down the road, who proceeded to flag me down. They were new to the area and I collected them as they were stood in a very clear and safe locality. But what can you say? If you tell them to wait where the small retail park is, they could legitimately say: "But where does it say to do that?" or "But where in the timetable does it say I have to wait in that specific spot?"

All true.

Common Sense Solution: Ultimately, operators' and local authorities' hands need forcing by making the stoppage to load/unload passengers anywhere other than a signed bus stop illegal. This would force them to splash out on some bus stop signs. Some authorities take responsibility for the erection of bus stops and timetable information and these tend to be more comprehensive than areas where bus operators are responsible. A bus stop flag is surely an advertisement tool - paint the countryside with them, to promote your service. Don't be stingy and rely on Hail 'n' Ride schemes as a cheap cop-out. Drivers should be consistent and all adopt the same policy on what is and what isn't a safe place to stop.

Attitude

The modern bus passenger wants to get his own way. Simple as. If he doesn't get his own way - irrespective whether that he is asking breaks the law or company regulations - he will respond with a barrage of abuse, much of it foul-mouthed and obscene. Such is life.

Gone are the days when a passenger would board a bus and ask to travel just two stops in an urban area (total distance 0.5 miles maximum) and when told the driver could not change the £20 note he was tendering, would accept defeat and respond with: "Ok, mate, not to worry; it's a nice day and it's not that far to walk."

Today you get: "You're a FUCKING DICK!!" yelled at you.

Or when you pull up at a stop and at the very end of the queue two under-class mothers with buggies try to board but when told they'll have to fold their buggies to travel as the 'buggy zone' is already occupied by two buggies, no more do you hear their pleasant retort: "That's OK, it's our fault for chatting and not noticing that the buggy area was full as you were loading people in front of us."

Today you get: "For FUCK'S SAKE. Why the FUCK can't we just travel with them in the 'middle bit' (aisle)?"

Scum, sub-human scum.

Common Sense Solution: A firm hand and the requirement to stand firm. Every time you give in, it is a win for the wankers. The more they win, the more they will try and push the envelope, like a sexed cow. Be resolute and firm. Take no bullshit. Tell them it like it is, without lowering yourself to their level by swearing or shouting. Often, speaking quietly when they're kicking off can help as they moderate their volume to try and hear what you're saying.

Complete & Utter Bullshit

The reason why so much scum in society travel by bus is because it's convenient and cheap. Despite this, plenty bemoan the cost of their trip to their drug dealer and that they have to walk for 6 minutes to flag a bus down. Trains get a fair dollop of the underclass, mainly in urban areas where stops are located close together and free rides can be had. Far fewer on planes.

Anyway, one element the scum of society possess is their ability to blatantly lie to your face.

A Scottish guy, dressed in a tracksuit with baseball cap, scars on his knuckles and tattoos on his face, flagged me down at a stop outside a supermarket today. He had a 'mini me' with him as his son was stood alongside.

"Can you tell me where the bus to Town B is?" Note the lack of 'excuse me' and 'please'.

"Yes, it doesn't call here for another 40 minutes, so the next one will be at 1110". Nice, clear, concise and answering a second question that was likely to follow.

"So what happened to the one at 1010?" he replied.

Now I knew it ran as I passed it on the way in and it was on time as far as I could remember. I didn't immediately say the latter but told the chap that it would have run, leaving the centre of Town A at 1000.

"Well it never fucking come this way!" he replied, so eloquently.

Oh well, such is life. If you can't physically see a bus go by then really you ought to expect to be left from time to time. I thought I would add that I'd passed it and it was on time, to which the NED replied:

"Oh OK then!"

What a wally. What happened to his firm statement previously? How can a bus that supposedly didn't operate now be greeted with such acceptance of the facts? These wankers are the sorts of people who serious drop drivers into hot water. An allegation like this to a large multi-national bus company will be enough to see the driver hauled before a disciplinary procedure. Yes, the CCTV footage would prove the service operated and the toss pot was not even stood there, but the anguish and nervousness felt by the driver would still exist up until that point.

Similarly, passengers who throw their bus ticket away as they take their seat can cause drivers to be suspended if they're approached by an inspector. Rather than admit they threw their ticket away, they state they weren't given one. This then sets red lights flashing and alarm bells ringing as the company worth billions immediately removes the driver from the bus and suspends him pending an investigation.

Common Sense Solution: The money generated by these low-income neanderthals is just as welcome as monies received from business people in shirts and ties. Consequently, the under-class will always be welcome on buses. But operators need to trust their workforce more. Immediately suspending/issuing allegations of impropriety to the drivers is wrong. It's one of the reasons turnover is so high in the industry. We are, for example, short-staffed in the middle of a recession. Why? Drivers cannot stand working for my company. They despise being assumed guilty until proven innocent. The under-class's fictitious stories are more often than not to blame.

The Third Person

Occasionally, a passenger will use the third person tense when informing the driver of something which they themselves have done wrong. This happened today.

Two young women left my bus in the bus station and said that 'there has been a spillage of drink upstairs on the floor. You might want to have a look at it".

I headed up there and spotted that someone had clearly spilt a reasonably amount of clear liquid (it could have been piss, but I took the view that it probably was simply water or cordial) but this was located on the floor at the very back of the bus. No one else other than the offender would have known about it.

I'd much rather the culprit say, "I'm really sorry, but I've spilt a little bit of drink on the floor upstairs."

It's not as if I could throw her off as she was leaving at the end of the route anyway.

Common Sense Solution: Ban drinks on board. X-ray all passengers' possessions and check for lice. Oh for such a world...

The Surreptitious Wavers

Some people have no idea about travelling on buses. That's not to say we drivers should lambaste them at all times for this ignorance, as this won't assist modal change at all. But there are some occasions when people are beyond help. One such incident took place today.

I, due to the rota I'm on, have a nice rural Saturday shift every 10 weeks. It is a wonderful shift that goes between Town A and Town B. I do a number of runs in the morning and have 1 run covered by another driver, before doing a couple more in the afternoon. The driver who did my missing run had brought a couple of OAPs from Town A to a country house which is on the way into Town B. I know this as I asked him. As they alighted, they asked him where they should wait for the bus back to Town A. He told them to stand opposite and hail the driver 'so he doesn't think you're just waiting to cross the road'. All well and good.

At the time, I didn't know about this exchange and I was passing the country house heading towards Town A. I saw some people stood on the opposite side of the carriageway (a single carriageway but there's a barrier in the middle to stop people turning right from the country estate). I thought it odd that two people should be stood where they were as I was the next bus in that direction in a little under 2 hours.

As I was passing at 50mph (legal limit for my road) I saw the female of the couple stick her hand out from her waist. Not her arm outstretched, just her hand. It was both pitiful and laughable. And of course futile as I was headed in the opposite direction at 50mph and there was a barrier separating the carriageways so it would have taken literally 5 minutes for them to walk around. Five minutes I didn't have and five minutes my existing passengers wouldn't have wanted to be needlessly delayed while I waited for them.

I can't fathom why they thought the return to Town A, from whence they'd came, would be in the direction of the adjacent Town B - and after the driver who brought them here told me what he'd told them, how can you convey people like this when they can't even understand a very straightforward instruction.

Yes, yes, I'll be old one day, but when I'd told to stand opposite and outstretch my arm, I'll, er, stand opposite and outstretch my arm.

Common Sense Solution: Precisely what happened. Sometimes it is simply unsafe to stop. Passengers do not research their journey by bus in the same manner that they would by train and certainly by plane. Buses benefit from being the ultimate in turn-up-and-go public transport, but then suffer from the associated arrogance and ignorance when people become blahzay.

How to fold a buggy

There's a foreign lady who regularly boards one of our busy, high-frequency urban services. Buses run every 10 minutes and she normally boards at her stop between 0800-0830 pushing her child in a buggy. Although buses are busy at these times, I've yet to ask her to fold the buggy as there is insufficient room on board. Usually, if the buggy zone is occupied by passengers, I'll ask for them to move to another seat downstairs and they happily do so.

Today, however, she had to fold the buggy. The way she reacted you'd think she had just been raped.

What an absolutely horrid, selfish and nasty woman she is. The lower saloon was completely full of old ladies and their shopping trolleys (it is market day) and three suitcases were stowed on the small luggage rack above the front near-side wheel arch. While I could have asked passengers to vacate the fold-up seats, there was nowhere for them to go and as they were all octogenarians, they wouldn't ascend the stairs to the upper saloon and I wasn't going to face being handbagged by asking them to stand.

So they buggy-pushing selfish bitch was told that if she wanted to travel she would need to fold her buggy AND carry it up the stairs with her.

Obviously this would be very arduous and not something I would embark upon. But what really got my goat was the vitriol she showed when I then told her that the only other thing I could suggest is to catch the following bus in 10 minutes.

And I do not care what colour your skin is or what your ethnicity is. Irrespective of the language barrier, she had eyes. She saw I was completely stacked downstairs. It was obvious that she selfishly wanted to force her buggy on and to hell with others who'd be inconvenienced.

It didn't happen today.

Common Sense Solution: More situations like that which the buggy-pusher faced today need to occur to stop these people thinking that they have a right greater than fare-paying passengers, to bring their buggy on board. DDA legislation forced bus operators to employ low-floor vehicles that can accommodate wheelchairs and since these passengers are few and far between, they allow unfolded buggies to occupy the area.

"Chivalry is dead!"

That's what a rather posh lady said as she and her daughter alighted from my bus in a very well-to-do hamlet today.

Chivalry has been dead for a long time, luv.

She was escorting her daughter and grandchild from my bus and no one offered to help carry the folded buggy off even though granny had both arms empty.

You wanted equality, carry your own bloody buggy. Chivalry is so 1940!

Common Sense Solution: Introduce a term in society where females are supposed to do something gallant for men. Except you won't be able to as the women will claim this is discriminatory. A bit like chivalry, then.

The Three Types of Youth

1. Youth - boards your bus in a approachable, friendly manner. He or she might have a face like a pizza and there could be either too much eau de toilette or body odour, but otherwise the encounter is perfectly acceptable. He or she may even try and pay with the correct fare.

2. Errant Youth - board your bus with something of a swagger. He or she will usually try and slip you a £20 note for a £1 fare but in a manner that looks as if they're working for MI5. They turn away when eye contact is needed and you consider keeping them in your view throughout the journey.

3. Feral Youth - complete and utter arse holes. They're trouble from the start. Cocky and obnoxious when then board. One will probably have his hand down his slag's blouse or she'll have her hand in her geeza's zipper. They'll smell of cannabis and will blow smoke in your face as they begrudge not being able to indulge in contracting cancer while in your air space.

I had Errant Youth on today, though I felt that they could move into the Feral category while the journey unfolded. They had attitude as they showed me their return tickets and made no eye contact. There were four of them travelling together on separate tickets. As they made their way to the (you guessed it) back of the single-decker, they rang every bell in sight. This needed nipping in the bud. Basic psychology at its best.

I politely stopped the following passengers from boarding and left my cab. I walked about half way down and shouted at them all that I was coming to throw them all off. Now this could have ended in a passenger calling 999 for me but this was a calculated risk owing to where these youths were travelling and their underlying accents not being of 'da ghetto'.

They fell silent. I returned to the front and as I re-entered the cab, added, "And I mean it!" Silence, again.

As I mentioned earlier in the week, when a potential trouble causer knows that his bus driver is one who is quite happy to leave the cab and get his hands dirty, you have a massive advantage. I'm also not built like Peewee Herman, so have a physical bluff to add.

Common Sense Solution: Bus companies should take a hard line on passengers who think it acceptable to cause trouble on their buses. They should offer unqualified support and backing to the driver, irrespective of the situation. They'll happily employ the driver to collect their money, but don't always seem too keen to believe in his judgement. Absolute zero tolerance would cause plenty of problems initially, while those who believe it acceptable to play music out loud or to board your vehicle with shit running down their legs attempting to cause all sorts of PR nightmare scenarios for the operator, but a firm line and it will be overcome. This will pay dividends in the long-term as I personally believe that a higher percentage share will be had when car drivers know that they will not encounter troublesome youths or drunken neanderthals aboard their local bus.

The Invisible Bus(es)

A classic example of the complete and utter arse that passengers spout today.

I pulled up at a terminus and two inter-breds approached me. I was about to undertake a 15-min break off the vehicle and depart at xx00. Before me a bus had left at xx40 and the one before that at xx20. I passed them both on my way into the terminus.

The husband and wife/brother and sister (probably both) suggested in the strongest possible terms that neither the xx20 nor xx40 departures had operated. This was complete and utter rubbish. I knew both departures had operated as I'd seen them both on my way in - the actual buses and the drivers at the helm. And besides, if no vehicle had operated for almost 40 minutes on an urban service with a 20-minute frequency, there would be more than these two bemoaning my company and my colleagues.

All considered, I chose to (unusually) respond in the manner to which their fictitious story required. Short, sharp and minimalist.

"The xx20 ran as I saw the driver and the bus and people on board. The xx40 ran as I just passed him round this very corner on my way in. You either both fell asleep, were sat in the wrong place or had a bang on the head."

Now I don't want you to think that I said it in such a way as to bring this pair of simpletons to tears, but it was said like that but with a slight glint in my eye. They understood my angle and then chose to get on the bus I was in the process of leaving.

"Oh," said the woman, "you're not letting us on then?"

"No," said I, "I'm off on my break."

And when I returned to load up in time for my xx00 departure they were nowhere to be seen.

Common Sense Solution: Sadly there isn't one. Passengers often lie - more so than they claim bus drivers do. Either it is a lack of understanding, an inability to read bus timetables or because they had an argument with the driver in question and somehow believe they will get their own back this way. Our buses are all equipped with CCTV, which is connected to GPS. It shows a time stamp on the recording of all cameras on board and a realtime link to the depot shows the actual location of the bus. A stupid story like this should be treated with the contempt it deserves.

Mobile Disco

I despise people who believe it acceptable to play music out loud on public transport. If ever this blog ends, phone round local hospitals or undertakers to see if a bus driver has died from stab wounds because I will not stand for it. I see it as a deterioration of society. You allow this on a bus and what next? It worries me to think.

I always leave my cab and always ask the offender politely to plug some headphones in. I don't tell them to 'turn that racket off' as they can happily listen to music but need to plug those things in that can be found in every single box that houses every single mobile phone on the market.

I then wait until they acknowledge this and the music stops. An anonymous 'shout back', especially on a double decker, doesn't always have the necessary effect.

I had a well-loaded single decker last night (about 25 on a 40-something seater) and heard music being played out loud. I can tell the difference between a mobile disco and someone listening through headphones, but at a mind-blowingly loud volume. This was a mobile disco. I pulled over in between stops nice and smoothly as the offender may suss what I was about to do and turn it off before I had chance to see who it was.

Out of the cab I got and soon saw who it was - a woman (I think) in a red tracksuit sat in one of the fold-up seats. I asked her to plug some headphones in please, as we don't allow that. She looked up and grunted. The music stopped, but not as soon as it could have done. I stood motionless until silence prevailed and then I politely thanked her. She didn't have any headphones. Oh dear, she would have to go without music for the next 5 minutes, how would she cope?

Getting out the cab, while not recommended by my company, gives me a massive psychological advantage. Especially on a double decker. If those willing to cause trouble are made aware that they have a driver who is willing to show his face - perhaps even get his hands dirty - they will be less likely to kick off.

Getting back to the offence, I just cannot physically see how anyone can deem it acceptable to play their music out loud. Are they so incapable of their effect on others to honestly believe that no one else can hear it? Do they, perhaps, believe the music somehow ends dead six inches either side of them?

Only once in all the years I've been driving buses have I had to ask the same person twice in the same journey to turn his music off. That was, unbelievably, on a single decker, too. On the second occasion, I went and actually sat next to him on the back seat and asked if he had a problem with me. I embarrassed the pathetic runt good and proper but in a very polite manner. He didn't have the mental ability to respond or grunt. Silence prevailed then, as ever. You also get the other passengers on your side, too. They don't want to listen to a mobile disco either.

I tell you, I'm a one-man music-enforcement band. Get on my bus and play music out loud at your peril.

Head-on with a Geriatric

Today was just surreal.

We have temporary roadworks on one of our routes. The main road now has traffic lights with each direction being given a green light separately. I was heading from south to north and following a number of cars doing the same. We had a green light so proceeded.

Mid-way through the works, I heard a siren. Where was it coming from? It's never easy to tell, despite what they tell you about the siren itself supposedly making it clear. Suddenly a workman jumped into the road and stopped the car in front of me - the siren was coming from a fire engine heading north to south. It managed to squeeze past and after 15 seconds or so we continued north, though the single lane.

But of course, by now our light had turned to red and the light for traffic heading in the opposite direction was green. A geriatric at the helm of a silver car decided to go, irrespective of the line of traffic (second in line being a double-decker bus) heading towards him.

The car in front of me chose the 'Hollywood' option and darted left, though the cones, to escape a head-on collision with the blind, deaf and woefully inadequate geriatric driver.

I, sadly, had no such option.

I remember thinking: "Is this it? Am I actually going to have my very first head-on collision?"

I came to a stop just as the approaching car did. The driver looked at me and shrugged his shoulders at the same time as putting his arms up, as if to say: "Where am I going to go?"

There was more chance of hell freezing over than me giving into him at this point. A number of cars were behind me, heading north. No car behind the geriatric had proceeded - they'd seen what had happened.

Well two can play at this game. I put my handbrake on and folded my arms. He, then, had to do all the work and went onto the path to my right, so that I could pass. He then wound down his window. Well, I was ready for this. Before he managed to exhale anything I said:

"That red thing with the flashing blue lights and making a noise. Did you see it?"

Then I drove off. He didn't have a clue about anything. He was slumped behind the wheel with about as much go as a junior Disprol.

Common Sense Solution: We're told much of the reaction times of someone over 70 being equivalent to an 18-year old having consumed 5 units of alcohol. How true that is. This old man looked no further than the end of his bonnet. He poses a greater risk to other road users than a chav in a stolen car, of this I am absolutely certain. If he were to mow down the lovely 'Ellie', aged 8 and with everything to live for, the public wouldn't outcry; they would be upset about the tragic loss of life. If it was a young lad in a stolen car mowing the innocent ballet-loving 8-yr old 'Ellie' down, the same public would demand the key to be thrown away. No bullshit, no arguments, every man and woman reaching 70 years of age should be forced by law to undertake a 30-minute drive with someone from the Driving Standards Agency to ensure they are competent enough to continue to hold their licence. If not, tough shit, it's gone.

"He called me a plonker!"

Yet more care in the community travelling on my bus today.

A lady with a free bus pass (orange stripe down the side, meaning the holder has a disability that precludes them from attaining a car driving licence) boarded in the town centre. She asked if I was Route B. I said not and that I was Route A. Until January, Routes A and B ran alternatively, but then changes were made and Route B was cancelled and Route A increased to double the frequency to compensate.

She said that she needed to be on a road that Route B used to serve. I told her that her only option now is to catch me (Route A) and change onto Route C that would take her the remainder of the way. The connection point is only 0.5 miles from the road she wants to be, but she had shopping and didn't pay to use the bus, so I suspected she'd be happy to wait 15 minutes, rather than walk the distance in 10 mins.

She sat down. Off we went.

Half-an-hour later, an old chap shouted out to me: "Driver! Driver!" I slowed from 50mph to respond. He said that a lady claims she's got on the wrong bus and wants to know where you're taking her. Oh, if only it had been my last day with the company, there are so many ways in which I could have answered that!

You can, of course, guess who the cretin was. That's right, the "Are you a Route B?" lady.

I could hear her telling everyone a pack of lies. "He said to just stay on and he would drop me off where I wanted." as well as "Where is he taking me? He's going to strand me miles from home!"

I shouted back that I would sort it out at the next major stop (6 mins away) and that there was nothing I could do about it now. I carried on, ignoring the verbal diarrhoea that was being spouted.

And do you know what this woman was most concerned about? Her bloody frozen chicken might defrost before she got home.

As I was nearing the next major point (where I would put her on the next bus in the opposite direction), I could hear she was making a phone call to someone, who must have offered to collect her. As she finished the call, she said to the person next to her: "He called me a plonker!" in a very amused manner. She then turned and said precisely the same sentence to everyone individually in the lower saloon: "He called me a plonker!"

This was still going on as she left my bus at the focal point. "He called me a plonker!" She even said it to a chap in a taxi who was collecting an elderly lady. The guy looked at me as if there was something I needed to tell him but sadly there wasn't. I looked at him and put two fingers to my head to imitate a gun's barrel. He understood.

And then it ended. The frozen chicken, I assume, got home before thawing, while The Plonker stood awaiting her lift home.

Common Sense Solution: If passengers cannot understand basic instructions from a driver, along the lines of: to get home you need to catch me to X and then get on another bus there to your house, they should not be allowed on the bus. Imagine if she'd got off where she did and then wandered into a dark alley and collapsed or was attacked and it transpired she was miles from home. I'd be interviewed under caution by the police for sure.

Near-miss

It's not just the passengers that can cause your blood to boil. As a bus driver you have idiots on the road to contend with. I've not had many accidents in my career as a bus driver, though I've had considerably more near-misses.

Yesterday's was at a traffic light-controlled roundabout. I was in the left-hand lane which is for traffic turning left and continuing straight on. A car was in the middle lane, to my right, which is clearly marked for traffic travelling straight on only. The car was alongside me and I noticed as our light had turned to green that the driver had started to indicate left. He accelerated a little faster than me but was certainly not in front of me when he started drifting into my lane.

Well it's not my bus, is it? It's not my excess or my paintwork. If involved in an accident at work, I do have to declare this on my private car insurance renewal, so there is some incentive to avoid collisions.

Things got very close indeed. The road was now curving right, to negotiate the large central island. Rather than him encroaching on me and my lane, the markings then saw me head in his general direction. It was a very tense moment, though I made the decision not to back off. To allow him to pull in front and then cut across me to make an exit was too dangerous. He could always circum-navigate the island again. Indeed he did, pulling into the right-hand lane with no indication and causing a car to slam its brakes on.

Every single action that driver did from choosing the central lane at the roundabout was categorically wrong and dangerous. Even worse was that I was driving a bus that had recently been repainted and was shining resplendently. A nice scuff mark down the side, despite it not being my fault (we'd have CCTV footage too) I'm sure my name would have been mud at the depot.

Common Sense Solution: It's difficult to say, really. I believe my course of action was safer than braking sharply, to allow a car to make a dangerous manoeuvre and cut across my front. This could have ended in a collision as well as sudden braking for my passengers. As it was, my course of action caused none of these and the collision was avoided.

The Waver

I was 7 minutes late today on a service where a bus operates every 2 hours. It is unusual to be late on this journey as the timings are very slack, but I managed it, sadly. On a street with a bus stop at the start and the end, and a 0.25-mile gap in between, a female Oriental was walking down it, about mid-way. She was on the phone. She had what I describe as a token glance over her shoulder and saw me approaching from behind. She flung out her arm, yet the phone remained glued to her ear.

My foot remained glued to the accelerator pedal.

One of two things would have happened, had I stopped for her. Most likely is that she didn't want my bus, but the more frequent service that ran down this street (every 30 minutes), in which case it would have been a wasted stop. Least likely, but possible, is that she would have calmly boarded, still on her phone, and asked for a ticket to my destination, completely oblivious how lucky she was to have caught my bus. There certainly wouldn't have been a 'thank you' or a 'phew, that was lucky'. She'd have refused to communicate with me, putting me in second place to her phone.

Common Sense Solution: Bus stops are sited where they are for a reason. At 7 minutes late and with many years experience of situations like this, I know that for once I did the right thing.

Faceless

I worked a service that ran just after the '0930 phenomonen' had kicked in - the first that those not wanting to pay to travel opt to use as they can use their bus pass. I carried over 60 people on my 40-something seater single decker bus. The passengers got on at various locations and I had over 35 minutes to go when I started to have standing room only.

One of the passengers on board was known to me. I know him purely down to the frequency that he travels. My communication with his extends to about 20 seconds or so when he boards and he may come to the front either 1 or 2 stops before the one he leaves at, but that's about it. Communication is somewhat hampered on our buses thanks to the assault screen, but we've started having ones with movable sections fitted, so I can lift the bottom part up to communicate better with the public (and drop it back down if a chav or someone with a stinking cold gets on).

After 5 minutes, this chap - 'Dave' - realised the bus was going to be completely full, so he gave up his seat to an OAP and for the next few minutes, guided any other frail passenger who boarded to one of the remaining seats. He then came and stood at the front and was head of the standees.

With over 60 on a 40-seater you can't drive like a dick head and the timetable has to go out the window. Such is life. I spoke with 'Dave' for the remainder of the journey, all the time he was stood behind me, but at the front of the aisle. A few stops before the terminus in town, a lady in a pink coat got off. I know her and she knows my name and said that she thought I should be warned that 'an old lady back there is slagging you off something rotten for having him stood at the front chatting to you'.

I thanked her for letting me know so as the people got off my bus in the terminus bus station, I made a point of using psychology to see if the complainant had the bottle to say anything. I did this by facing my public and purposefully saying very clearly and politely "Thanks!" and "Cheers!" and "Thank you!" and "Bye now!" as each and every passenger got off.

And, as I suspected, not a single passenger said a word. Gutless. Faceless.

I find it staggering that some old woman could criticise me for having someone stood at the front when there were almost 20 standees on the bus. What would she prefer? To leave everyone after the first few standees had boarded and to order them all to stand at the back of the bus? These people were carried in accordance with my maximum legal capacity, in a safe and comfortable manner and in a cheery and polite fashion, as ever.

I suspect the faceless wonder knew this and was probably why she stayed quiet.

Common Sense Solution: Sadly, there isn't one. Perhaps the possibility of passengers having a sign on their foreheads that only the driver can see should be looked into by the Department for Transport. A bit like prison, they should be branded with "Trouble" or "OK".

Fraud

There could be quite a few entries with this title.

Today's fraudsters were a pair of sixty-somethings. I approached them at their bus stop as one of our competitor's vehicles was leaving. I was a little shocked that they didn't catch this first bus as it serves more stops than mine and is no slower. But, more passengers for my company can't be a bad thing.

A lady and gent were stood on the kerb. The lady boarded first while her husband boarded second, seemingly struggling with his walking stick. The lady opened her purse, showed me her free bus pass and said: "Two to town, please".

I assumed, through the wording she used, that her husband had a free bus pass, too, so issued her ticket and then waited for the man to show me his. But I managed to introduce a very awkward silence. I had no idea what was happening at first, until the man said: "Oh, er, and I'm paying."

The mist began to thin and lift.

He bought a return ticket to town costing £2.50. Too right. His crime was, clearly, defrauding the local authority and tax payers by allowing his wife to give the impression he was in possession of a free bus pass when he was not. He may have lost it; he may have mislaid it; he may have damaged it beyond repair; he may even have been going to pay for a replacement, but chose not to volunteer any of this information.

They both sat down and I drove off, with a smile on my face.

But what made me more annoyed was when I realised that this was a calculated attack on my integrity. They had deliberately let my competitor's bus go as this company has card readers on its ticket machines and there's no way they could even attempt to pull off on that bus what they did on mine.

Absolute complete and utter bastards. Your card is marked. I shall definitely remember you next time.

Common Sense Solution: This is very simple. All drivers should check all free bus passes on all occasions. Familiarity breeds contempt is a very accurate phrase. There are some who I have got to know who never show me their pass. After today, this will change. I'll tell them why, too. Politely, of course. I've seen a few people who used to have free bus passes for a disability no longer in possession of them, so clearly some boundaries are changing.

Care in the Community

Since the introduction of the free bus pass for those with an entitlement to a concessionary fare, I've seen an increase in people with learning difficulties travelling on the buses with one of them. Previously - and when local councils had more money - these people would receive dedicated transport and not be allowed to head onto a service bus for a number of reasons. Not so now. Budgets and all.

A lady travels regularly from the town centre to a suburb and has learning difficulties. She is polite enough but I've always wondered what her problem is. I found out today.

I pulled into the terminus bus station and 50+ people started to leave my bus (it was an 'all change!' moment). This lady was stood waiting to get on, with one of our timetables in her hands, unfolded. My cheery passengers were saying 'thanks' and 'cheers' and 'bye' as they left and then she started to force her way on.

"Not yet!" I said, sternly, but politely.

"But I want to ask you something, driver," she said.

"Well just wait til everyone's off!" I said back. Pretty simple really.

This worked while 20 or so alighted, but then it was if something clicked in her head and she lost all sense of reason and came bounding on, like a proverbial bull in a china shop. Well I wasn't having this. Not a chance.

"I've told you once and I won't tell you again, get off and stay off until I say it's OK to come on!" I actually shouted, though not too loudly, as I didn't want to accidentally offend the people leaving my service.

The woman, however, had no such qualms. At the top of her voice and on at least 15 consecutive occasions, she bellowed "ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!" (you get the rest...)

I thought she was having some kind of fit. Eventually the noise stopped and she went back to her 'normal' self. She then boarded, asked me the question that she already knew the answer to, and left.

I take note of these incidents more than others as anyone could have walked into the ridiculous situation this lady - who must have severe psychological issues - set in motion. We're told in our training that 'everyone is unique' and that we must not be so 'black and white' (surprised they can get away with saying that nowadays!) in how we deal with people.

I will now treat this woman differently to everyone else, that I can be sure of.

Common Sense Solution: The Utopia would be for local authorities to provide transport for people who clearly cannot conduct themselves on buses due to mental disorders. To scream at the top of your voice for as long as this lady did was completely and utterly wrong. I'm not her social worker and so cannot give her the level of attention she is clearly used to receiving. This outcome being a non-starter, I would like all bus stations to have a 'set down' point, which is in a different location to the boarding stands/bays/gates. That way, we could drop our passengers off without fear of being accosted by lunatics and pull onto the boarding point when we are good and ready.

It's 0929 and all's... CRAP

I had an interesting exchange with a female OAP today at a village where my bus was due to pass at 0928. The local authority here does not allow its concessions free travel on weekdays before 0930, in line with the national legislation, yet the old grannies try it on. 'Ethel' was stood there, arm outstretched (makes a change!) and I could see her pass. I was 1 minute late, though whether she knew this precisely or not is unlikely.

"You can't use your pass until 0930." I politely told her.

"Isn't it already half past?" she said, looking at her watch, as if that would somehow hurry up the passage of time.

We've been told in no uncertain terms by management that if the ticket machine does not yet display 0930, we do not issue a ticket UNLESS we are not due to leave that point until 0930 or after and are loading early. I was due from here at 0928, so anyone with a free bus pass waiting for my departure should be prepared to pay an adult single fare to their destination.

"Some of the drivers wait for it to turn to half past." she said, tellingly.

She's clearly a repeat offender. Well, she had to learn, so rather than argue the toss with her until the ticket machine clock turned to 0930, I issued her a ticket to the town centre - a 15-min journey costing just less than £2. I used this technique to force her to either pay up or piss off.

She paid up.

While it truly is no skin off my nose whether a free OAP ticket is issued at any time of day, my management claim that the local authorities do not reimburse any ticket issued before 0930 (in areas that do not offer anything other than the basic scheme). Consistency is the name of the game.

Why couldn't the silly woman just get up 10 minutes later and go to catch the next bus into town? She would NEVER, EVER have this argument again and - more importantly for her - have to part with £1.90.

Common Sense Solution: When the free bus pass scheme was implemented, ALL English councils should have been legally obliged to either offer a 24/7 scheme, where free travel is accepted OR offer 0930-2300 on weekdays and free at weekends/bank hols and not be able to improve upon it at their own discretion. That would see national consistency, where every dithering old person would know the score.

Think before you open your mouth

Old lady got on today and saw some timetables on display near the ticket machine. They were bound loosely in an elastic band and a few passengers had helped themselves to a timetable throughout my time at the helm so far.

'Cynthia' decided to be critical for no apparent reason when she spied them:

"Oh, these look rather ominous!" she exhaled. "Are the bus times changing AGAIN?"

No they weren't. It was me being conscientious and placing timetables in the racks provided for your bloody convenience you dozy woman. Why didn't she simply ask if there'd been any changes to the bus times? Some people like to make their arrival felt and she was one of them - dressed in a tweed jacket and a silver spoon rammed down her gullet.

Course, in her desire to show how critical she was of further timetable alterations (there's usually one per year around September to reflect alterations to accommodate changes to journeys at school/college times) she pulled a great handful out of the display case and their elastic band.

To reply to her statement as she boarded, I just said: "No!" The sooner these sort of people know that you're having none of their verbal diarrhoea, they shut up. Try and converse sensibly and in a measured manner and they'll screw you over.

Equipped with the knowledge that, actually, she had no need for another timetable as nothing had changed, she then attempted to put them back in the slot and within their elastic band. Be it crippling arthritis or sheer incompetence, it took her an eternity.

I just waited and watched her grappling with senility. As did everyone else on the bus. I just hope they all thought the same as me.

Common Sense Solution: Rather than try and be cocky and create some kind of whirlwind entrance, choose to politely ask the driver whether there have been/is likely to be changes to the timetable, to which an equally polite response will be given.

Chocolate Legs

Today's incident has sparked this blog, if I'm honest.

An elderly woman with shit running down her legs as she got off my bus is too much for me. I felt physically sick and the very wrong smell that I had been sniffing for the past minute or two revealed itself.

The lady in question, thankfully, only travels one stop (about 0.3 miles). She has a free bus pass and a moustache. She walks like she is in a permanent state of intoxication, though it is never intoxicating liquor she smells of. Also in my favour is that she chooses to stand for the one-stop journey into town.

She got off my bus today while I was stood at some red traffic lights. I chose to let her off as the niff today was worse than usual. She left and crossed the road in front of me. As she walked away, the vision of diarrhoea running down her legs was clear for all to see.

I spoke to my manager about this and he said that he will 'look into banning her', though he wasn't as enthusiastic as he should have been. Perhaps I ought to ask her to take a seat the next time she travels and wait for the complaints to come in when passengers literally soil their garments.

I have decided to take unilateral action the next time I see her - if, as she boards, Mars Bars appear to be tricking down her smelly, lilly white legs, she will be refused travel. If not, she will be allowed travel provided she stands to her stop, and that she is travelling no further.

Common Sense Solution: Management with the balls to say no to a passenger. There are a number of reasons why my boss didn't say to bar her outright. She travels 0.3 miles yet we receive in reimbursement rate the same amount for that journey as we would for someone who travelled the full length of the route. Also, banning someone could end up with a story in the local paper. He would then have to respond and say why she was banned and a story about a shit-stained bus does the company image no favours at all. Regardless of all this, there is a minimum standard to which all bus passengers must meet. This woman falls short by a considerable amount and should be banned *without question*.