Monday 1 October 2012

Back to Normality

Well the Olympics seem an age ago. As does the Paralympics. Back to work, things soon got back to normal with the utter bollocks some people say and do.

Take today. Two examples for people just being wankers.

Firstly, someone who looked older than 65 flagged me down to stop for them. This I did as I had a number of people getting off at the same stop. Some of them were fat so he was unable to get on as they waddled off. He tried to shout his destination to me in a ridiculous football chant fashion, which similar to football in general, I ignored, choosing to say "Thanks!" to those leaving the bus.

For some reason the old git assumed his bellows had been all received and understood and that as I'd not issued him a ticket or asked him to tender any money in a similar shout-as-loud-as-you-fucking-can manner back, he smiled, nodded and walked straight past me.

What the fuck?

Naturally, he was called back and made to state his destination in a calm manner and then tender some money. It was a very bizarre situation.

Second was a mother and child who tried to bring two boxes of take-away noodles on my bus. We do not allow food to be brought onto the bus, but I often let sandwiches etc go, and tow the party line when it comes to hot food, such as burgers, KFC, noodles...

As it was 1 minute until I was due to leave and the next bus wasn't for 30 mins, I told the mother than we don't allow hot food on the bus but as I was ready to leave I'd let it go on this occasion.

"Oh!" she said, somewhat puzzled. "We're not going to eat them."

So you've bought stone cold noodles then?

I explained that the act of her eating wasn't what was outlawed and that it was the smell associated with this type of food that makes people feel ill as there's no escaping it in such a confined space.

The dozy fucking cow then leaned towards one of the boxes, sniffed it and said "It smells nice to me!" Oh no you fucking don't sunshine.

Just for that I chose not to give her the benefit of the doubt and had a very illustrated discussion at the front of the bus about how she either threw the noodles away or waited another 30 minutes to catch the next bus as she and her daughter ate them.

For god's sake I was initially letting her off, just pointing out the rules. We have stickers just behind the driver that clearly shows no food, alcohol or music. Well her cockiness meant that she had a choice and she chose not to travel and to wait for the next bus.

That was the first thing she'd got right so far!

Common Sense Solution: It boils down to having to tow the party line in the case of the latter. Often the guys I work with will let things go and the passenger then thinks this is the norm. Sometimes you need to be Mr. Unpopular in order for a bit of peace in the long-term. In the case of the former, in order to accommodate him you have to be less polite by ignoring passengers who are saying 'thanks' and 'bye' as they leave your bus and I'm not prepared to do that. I might be a cunt, but I'm a polite cunt to anyone who's polite to me. Will this old guy learn? Possibly not, because he is old.

Friday 27 July 2012

An Olympic Cock-Up

With the Olympic Games opening ceremony taking place today, I thought it good to mention how I was affected by the Olympic Torch Relay at some point during its parade around the country. To be fair, though, the problems surrounding road closures and curtailed journeys weren't too bad - my company had unusually done their homework and had quite a tight set of schedules in operation and had given a good fortnight's notice of the changes on both their website and on board their vehicles.

Of course there are still going to be people who are caught out. That's life. I suppose you could shoot them all in the head, but suddenly your employer would notice a reduction in revenue, as so many thick people use the bus.

On the day I was affected I had to operate a wholly different route within this suburb of a much larger town. The diversion saw me use a parallel road to the one I'd normally use. Unfortunately for me, I was driving the diversion as the crowds that had gathered to watch the Olympic Flame pass by were heading home both on foot and by car. The linear road was a like an assault course of parked cars that I needed to weave in and out of, with lots of cars parked on either sides of the road.

There are no bus stops along this road as buses don't use it normally and passengers had been told the hail the bus at a safe point. No one hailed me that I knew of and as I got to the end of the road I had to stop at some traffic lights. I heard a very loud knocking at my doors. A guy was stood there so I let him board.

"Didn't you see me stood back there?" he said, breathlessly.

"No. Where were you stood?"

"Opposite the supermarket. There aren't any bus stops down her you know!"

"Oh right. Did you put your hand out?"

"I didn't think I needed to!"

Now that says at all. Baring in mind over 1,000 people were returning home from watching the torch, the majority of which were using this road, and this guy thinks he can just stand by the kerb and the bus driver will somehow psychically know that he wants the bus.

Common Sense Solution: You have to ignore people like this. If common sense doesn't dictate to you that you need to physically hail a bus to stop it on a diversionary route with no bus stop signs amidst 1000 people milling about then are you really equipped with sufficient life skills to get on in life? Some people simply are not. Does this guy have kids? If so how does he keep the fact that Santa and the Tooth Fairy do not exist? How does he pay his bills on time, organise his life, pass an interview? It's all very amusing really.

Sunday 17 June 2012

Complete Waste of Time

The other morning I walked to the bus I had been assigned to start my shift with and noticed while undertaking a defect check that the nearside wingmirror had been smashed. The glass that is, not the arm or the plastic surround. I informed a supervisor who got a mechanic to replace the entire arm, surround and glass as this was the quickest option in the time available. The mechanic would then fix the glass in the comfort of his workshop.

All OK.

Then, during my break, I was approached by a supervisor who said I needed to collect an accident report form and complete it after I'd finished my shift. The reason? An accident had occurred which resulted in the wingmirror glass being smashed. This is completely correct, though I hadn't driven the bloody bus prior to it happening. Clearly one of the people who park the buses up had caused the accident by getting too close with another vehicle and weren't aware of the damage.

But, no, even though checking the CCTV would prove I had nothing to do with it, I had to fill a form in.

To make matters worse I was told to complete all sections with "I have no knowledge of the incident". I refused to as this still implied I was somehow at the helm or responsible. I chose to write "I was not the driver of this vehicle but found the damage upon undertaking a first use inspection".

Nothing got said when I handed the form in and it was another week before I was seen about the incident. Luckily the training man who sees drivers in the first instance to determine whether they are 'at fault' or not saw that this had nothing to do with me.

But what really fucked me off was that he said the accident report form would remain on my personal record and that he had to instruct me to "take more care next time".

TAKE MORE FUCKING CARE NEXT TIME?????????

Are these people real? I had nothing to do with it yet now I have an accident report form on my record and a verbal instruction to take more care next time? Perhaps my employer thinks I'm somehow psychic and willed the accident to happen the evening before I was next to drive the bus?

I protested in the strongest possible terms and was told it was nothing personal and it was something everyone was being instructed to do, whether they're 'at fault' or not.

Well if fucking stinks. So much arse-covering it's unreal. Do you think anyone from the engineering department, tasked to fuel, wash, sweep and park the vehicles in the evening was seen? According to my union rep, whom I've reported the incident to, no they haven't.

So that pissed me right off.

Common Sense Solution: I have a theory: provided no third party is in a position to claim following an altercation, accept the accident report form with grace and complete it. Even put it back in your bag to hand in the following day but never do. At my depot you're only seen when you hand the  form in, with the engineering department just fixing buses and not checking with operations that the driver has been seen. If I'd not handed my form in I wouldn't have been seen and wouldn't have a mark against my name on my file and been told to take more care over an accident that probably happened when I was fast asleep in bed the night before! Poxy fucking wanker.s

Into the Headlights

An observation I've made for many years yet never aired in public is what certain passengers do as you're approaching them at their bus stop. They'll be stood there, but the bus stop sign attached to the pole and may even extend their arm to hail the bus to stop. You will, from a distance, signal your intention to pull over by indicate to the left. You begin to slow down at a level acceptable to be smooth and progressive so that you stop by the bus stop pole and the passenger.

And what do they do? They walk briskly in the direction of the bus, i.e. away from the stop - the point you're aiming for in order to smoothly stop the bus.

Why don't they just wait at the stop? Why do they wander in the direction of the bus, away from the stop?

I continue in the same way I'd previously done, and pass them by and stop by the bus stop pole, where they'd been stood up until 5 seconds ago. They then have to about-turn and wander back. They never say anything, although I wish they would as my response has been formulated well over the past years.

Not everyone does it and it's not usually reserved for retards. Often old and young do it and people in suits. Why? Are they incapable of judging a bus's speed as it's approaching a stop and believe it to stop sooner? Could they be spatially unaware? There must be a reason.

Common Sense Solution: Keep on doing as you have been. Pulling up at the bus stop is always the safest option. Should anything happen at least you have on your side the fact that you stopped in the right place. Never 'stop short' for a made passenger dashing towards you on foot.

Saturday 26 May 2012

The Lying Teen

We bus drivers don't just drive buses. We have to uphold our company's rules and regulations. One of which is that passengers pay the requisite fare for the journey they make. Often a passenger will ask what the fare is before tendering the money - possibly because they may not have sufficient on them or that they have the option of a lift if they hang on a little longer.

A fat teen was waiting for my bus today and got on with a suitcase. To me it looked as if she was returning for the summer from university. She asked for a single fare to X. I told her this amount, a little over £3.50. She exclaimed at the cost of the fare and asked if it had increased recently.

"Yes, it went up 10p at the start of the month" I answered.

But she didn't want to hear this. 10p more was nothing compared to what this fat teen claimed I was asking of her.

Then she asked "How much is a child fare?"

Clearly the child fare would be cheaper than the standard, adult fare. On this route you can be up to 17 years old and still pay a child fare. I strongly believed she was in excess of this age and was just using it as a means to reduce the fare. I asked her how old she was.

"Errrr, seventeen" she stumbled. She even apologised and said she didn't know why it took her so long.

Well I knew why - because she was attempting to commit fraud. I could have asked for some ID I suppose, though that's not company policy. Instead I told her the new fare - £2.90, which was still significantly more than she had in her hand.

After much digging about she said "Well I can muster £2.60, soooooooo, there you are."

"But the fare's £2.90".

"Well that's all I've got!"

"Well you need to go to a cash point and catch the next bus in 15 minutes."

"I don't have any cash on my card."

"Well £2.90 is the fare and if you don't pay it the difference comes from my wages and I'm not prepared for that to happen."

In the past I've over-ridden the machine, but was deeply suspicious of this fat teen. She'd acted most oddly when offering up her age and had been travelling during term time - again, possibly a student returning home. I couldn't prove anything, but had my lack of discretion to countenance her likely bullshit.

Amazingly, the empty purse suddenly produced two 20p coins that weren't there before. She possibly felt that £2.60 was all she was prepared to pay for the journey. As she handed the newfound cash over, she said "There you are, now you don't have to be nasty to me anymore."

Nasty - you ain't seen nothing, love.

I gave her one of my favourite lectures about how she couldn't tell Tesco you weren't able to pay the cost of a pack of crisps as you didn't have enough on you. She waddled off to the back of the bus, thighs rubbing together.

Common Sense Solution: Many passengers lie. They somehow see a bus driver as a soft touch. The bus is going from X to Z anyway, so they'll just try and offer a token gesture to travel, whereas at Tesco they can't physically leave the store with their purchases unless they have the right money to pay. Yes, this is life and I have spent much of mine dealing with it. But bus drivers can fight back in ways detailed above. I could have asked for ID to really throw the cat amongst the pigeons. That would almost certainly prove she was not entitled to an adult fare and the higher fare be charged. Even with the additional cash 'suddenly' found, this wouldn't cover it, so she simply would not be eligible to travel. Why should she travel between X and Z for less that the person in front and behind her? I've used this line of argument before as it morally gets the passengers on your side. I've also over-ridden the ticket machine, too, as £2.60 is better than nothing. Admittedly it's not the quoted fare (£2.90) or even the correct fare (£3.50), but it was money when all said and done. And I'd've done this had it not been for her struggling with her age...

Thursday 19 April 2012

The Lying Bitch

Passengers lie. That's life. Not all of them, but more than your boss will publicly admit. And your boss is in a good position to see this, having fielded all the complaints that, through utilising the CCTV footage, can be proven as bullshit.

A woman who looks like mutton dressed as lamb gets on in a village in an area where her bus pass cannot be used before 9.30am on a weekday. Now she's always paid cash but recently must have turned 60. Equipped with this precious piece of card, she's tries to board at 8am with her pass. The first time she did this, she had a massive row with the relatively new driver, who became very concerned that he was in the wrong, despite knowing otherwise. All went quiet for a number of months but she's started again.

What she doesn't know is that we drivers communicate to each other through a series of grunts. 7 grunts and a squeal means: "That nasty posh tart who's recently turned 60 who gets on at X will try and take the piss with a bus pass and under no circumstances accept it for travel on a weekday."

She's clearly cottoned onto this non-acceptance now, so matters have changed. Her single fare was £2 though with the fares rise last week it is now £2.10 (it's not, but I'm using this to illustrate the actual scenario where her single to town has risen by 10p recently).

She boarded my bus today and put down just £2 and briskly walked off. This despite me telling her the fare was £2.10. I called her back rather loudly as on the first occasion she didn't hear. Back she came and then argued the toss about how I was wrong. I suggested she'd not travelled on the bus since the fares rise but she's on the bus every day and has never been charged £2.10 yet. "All the other drivers can't be wrong, surely?"

"Yes they are. It's £2.10 please," said I, stony faced.

With much head shaking, she paid up and sat down. She must think we're all thick. We cannot override the ticket machine. Where she gets on to where she is going has the fare pre-programmed into the ticket machine as £2.10. There's no way we can offer another fare unless her journey is different.

Common Sense Solution: hold these arse holes in the same contempt that they hold you. You'll always win provided you don't swear or do something that will cause the passenger to contact your depot to complain about your attitude. Smiling is especially good in these circumstances as you're doing it to be a cocky git, while they cannot complain as outwardly it appears polite. Just remember, in virtually all cases like this, the passenger is lying or, at best, mistaken. Uphold the party line.

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Lunacy

Today a woman boarded with a collection of small kids and a buggy. Many of the little chavs were very young and ran off to the back of the bus. The woman asked for just a ticket for herself. I enquired as to the age of her gang and it transpired 3 of the 6 were of a chargeable fare. That pissed her off immediately - being unable to commit fraud.

Anyway, she paid and moved towards the buggy zone. Except she stopped by the luggage rack over the front left-side wheel and proceeded to lift her entire, unfolded buggy up and place it in the rack on its wheels. This was the first time in the many decades I've been driving buses that I've ever seen this happen.

"What are you doing!" I asked.
"Putting it up here out the way."
"You need to fold it if you want to put it there - what if it fell on a child as they were getting off?"
"Well the other driver said it would be OK".

Ah, that old chestnut; the OTHER DRIVER. This infamous character is the one who lets passengers do as they please. They let them get away with whatever they want yet curiously they cannot be described or named.

She even offered to lay it flat - but fully opened - on the luggage rack, wheels sticking into the aisle at the right height of an infant's head.

"I'm sorry, you either leave it open and leave it there (pointing at the empty buggy zone) or fold it up. It's just not safe to leave it there."

More tutting and huffing and she eventually left it in the buggy zone but buggered off down the back with her clan. To be fair to everyone else, if your sprog isn't sitting in the buggy, then it needs to be folded up.

As I got a couple of stops down the road, the entire buggy tipped back as the under-class mother hadn't distributed all the bags she had attached to it properly. I couldn't resist leaning round and saying to her, as she righted it, "Imagine if that was three feet in the air over the front wheel like you'd wanted at first."

She didn't respond.

Common Sense Solution: As unpopular as some rulings are to passengers, you have to enforce them. Drivers are not only paid a pittance to drive buses; they have to enforce and uphold company regulations and the law. Buggy owners are so selfish. Consistency needs to be maintained and 'the other driver' completely ignored as chances are he doesn't exist anyway. Also, the OAPs are on your side here too as they didn't have the luxury of super low floor buses when they were travelling with their kids.